Men vs women in love and intimacy

One of the foremost differences between men and women when approaching someone they find attractive on the street is that women…really don’t. Women tend to be more docile than men, so they prefer to let potential partners approach them instead. Men, on the other hand, tend to be more straightforward and approach potential partners directly. Neither method is better or worse than the other. These natural occurrences are largely affected by biological factors and driven by our hormones, as well as social expectations. I’ll talk about this in the paragraph. 

This segues into my next topic of mood changes and hormone regulations. Everybody is aware of the female hormone cycle – the period. However, it doesn’t just start and end with menstruation. There are actually 4 phases of a woman’s hormone cycle. I will explain this briefly: the first day of a woman’s period is the first day of her hormone cycle, when an unfertilized egg is released to the uterus and shed through the uterine wall, usually with bleeding. About a week and a half after menstruation, ovulation begins to happen.This is when women are the most high-energy, motivated, and sexually responsive. Ovulation peaks about 14 days or two weeks after menstruation. The last two weeks of her one-month cycle are called the ‘luteal phase’. This is when her energy starts to decline, as her estrogen begins to return to baseline. The interesting thing that happens, though, is that a new hormone called progesterone begins to take over. Progesterone is what prepares the uterus for pregnancy, ensuring that the uterine lining is healthy and ready to house an embryo. However, the molecule also has an effect on the woman. As progesterone levels increase and estrogen levels decrease, levels of stress and anxiety increase. This can lead to overthinking and self-doubt, making the woman feel unsafe and uneasy. If you’re the partner, this is a good time to pamper and pay special attention to your woman – think surprise dates, foot rubs, massages, and other ‘princess treatment’. Bottom line: make her feel special during this phase. And this brings us all the way back to the beginning of the next cycle!

A fact that is not commonly known is that men also have a regular hormone cycle, much like women, except that instead of taking a month to complete its cycle, a full cycle is complete in only a day! For men, testosterone is produced while we sleep, with peak levels of testosterone hitting up to an hour after waking up (or 9 AM). This makes sense when we think about phenomena such as morning wood. This rapid hormone cycling of men is part of what makes us more sexually-driven than women. Testosterone itself also plays a huge role in making men ‘hornier’ than women on a day-to-day basis. A woman documented her day after receiving 1500 mg of testosterone (the average amount in males) and the results are surprising. The woman arrived to her office job like normal after getting her dose and, just walking around the office she thought to herself: Why do I want to fuck all of my male coworkers? Then she remembered…testosterone! This is why men are generally more horny than women. Testosterone also leads to more aggressive behaviors. This is what makes men more competitive, violent, and abrasive. A lot of male behavior can seem illogical at times. But it all makes sense when we think about the human brain from a biological standpoint. We, as humans, are still animals. And our brain, at its core, is wired for two things and two things only: survive and reproduce. Civil society today adds more steps to these two functions, but at the root, that is what humans – and all other animals – are born to do. So, back to the pattern of males being more aggressive. Whenever I need to make sense of a behavior I see in public, I like to think of it in terms of animals. I’ll imagine individuals involved as a group of wild animals, like wolves or deer in the woods. So, say there’s a guy in a club. The guy is standing with his arm around a girl when another guy approaches angrily. They start to argue, and after a few insults, the first guy steps in front of the girl and gets up in the second guy’s face. The second throws a punch and it escalates into a fight. They go back and forth for a bit, exchanging swings. The first guy eventually knocks the second guy to the ground, and the first guy walks out of the club with the girl by his side. How can we translate this into biological terms? Well it’s simple if we think about it. Let’s imagine the men as deer. The first deer has a doe – something of desire. The second male deer wants what the first deer has, and starts a fight over the female for dominance. The second male deer expects that if he wins, the doe will go with him, as he will then have proven himself as the stronger of the two. The doe will tend to go with the stronger male because he will appear more resilient and able to protect (i.e. more genetically viable and a stronger reproductive partner). The male deer fight with each other with their antlers clashing, until finally, the second male deer keels over and submits to defeat. This proves the first male as the alpha, and he gets to walk away with his ‘prize’. 

So how does this play into the dating scene for men? Well, first of all, men are more likely to be attracted to a woman’s physical appearance at first, while women usually require some level of emotional connection before being attracted. Following this logic, men also have the ability to be sexually attracted to women without needing an emotional connection. Men feel more of an emotional connection after sex as opposed to before. Women, on the other hand, desire emotional closeness before reaching physical intimacy, and need to be able to trust their sexual partner before engaging in sex. This is where the interesting dichotomy of hookup culture begins to show itself. Women tend to be hurt more after a hookup because men can have a sexual interaction without desiring to be emotionally close to somebody. This can lead many of their hookup partners feeling alone and thrown away after a hookup with a guy. This fact may be uncomfortable to some girls, but it is a real occurrence, and having this knowledge can better prepare some girls for what they may be getting themselves into. 

As an incoming college freshman, I’m blatantly aware of the hookup culture at college, and feel moved to warn my classmates of potential risks of this lifestyle. Yes, it’s fun and exciting. It’s cool to be away from your parents, being able to do whatever you want. It feels good to have sexual freedom. I do agree that college is a good time to learn how to be intimate. But there is a right way to do things, and most college students don’t learn this until after one too many poor sexual experiences. For starters, proper communication is everything. This is key for ensuring that intentions are clear and reducing any hurt feelings. If both partners are aware of the nature of their interaction, it will increase feelings of comfort both during and after getting together. Also, communication with your partner will lead to better sex. Telling your partner directly what you want and asking them to do it will decrease confusion on your partner’s end and frustration on your end. More often than not, your partner will be more than willing to comply. With hookup culture, though, your partner may just be looking for a quick fuck – I’m speaking more to the girls here. As men, we can definitely be more aggressive and impatient to get into things. I know it can be difficult, but it does happen. Trust me, I’ve been there more than once. You can’t always count on your partner to be as direct and communicative as you, so don’t be alarmed if they aren’t. Not everybody’s used to that, especially in today’s generation. And second, use a condom. Okay, if you’re a girl and on birth control, I get it. But no contraception is one hundred percent effective, and it’s better to be safe than pregnant (unless you want to be a mother in college). And if you’re a guy and she says she’s on birth control, still use a condom. You can never be too sure. If those reasons aren’t good enough for you, then I’ve got three more points: S, T, Ds. Sexually transmitted diseases are a very real occurance on college campuses, and can run rampant with the hookup culture that’s been popularized today. Sure, your partner may say that they’re disease-free. But A, they could be lying, and B, they may be infected and unaware of the infection. So, bottom line – just use a condom.

At this point, I feel I don’t have enough experience to speak on anything more as it relates to college. I am only a freshman, after all. I’m excited to meet new people at college and learn loads more about myself and my friends. This is only my first post, and I’m eager to write more. They may not all be as thorough as this one, and might just be random thoughts and little blurbs. But as much as I don’t always want to write a lot, people don’t always want to read a lot, so I’m not going to worry too much about that. In summary, men are more sexually motivated and aggressive due to testosterone’s influence, resulting in possibly poor communication during and after a sexual encounter. On the other hand, women tend to be more passive and usually require some level of emotional connection before intimacy. Men’s hormones cycle quickly – only taking a day to replenish stores of testosterone – while women cycle their hormones over the course of a month, with there being 4 phases to their menstrual cycle. Peak sexual motivation occurs around 14 days after menstruation, then steadily declines over the last 14 days of the cycle as progesterone increases and causes more worry and overthinking. Lastly, a healthy sex life in college involved two things: proper communication and the usage of contraceptives. This will lead to safer, more enjoyable sex and help decrease feelings of guilt or confusion during and after the deed.